Mom's a Person

It turns out that being a parent is hard. It's beautiful, but it's hard.

My daughter turned one in May and then shortly after began to walk around. On the one hand, I was so excited for this next step in Emma's development. On the other hand, it's sad that my baby has grown this fast. And with that sadness comes the exhaustion of doing my best to keep my very obstinate, headstrong toddler out of harm's way.

This kid gets into anything and everything. Her favorite pastimes include opening the cupboard under our bathroom sink and scattering the items all over the place, dumping the dog's food down the vent in the kitchen floor, crawling through the dog door when I'm just trying to relax in the living room, screaming at me when I don't want to be outside in the summer heat, climbing the stairs, running through the weed-infested side yard that desperately needs to be dug up (crummy concrete shortage delaying my hope for a sitting area), and undoing any cleaning I may have accomplished for the day.

She is not content to sit still. In fact, as I'm writing this, I've had to stand multiple times to redirect her and am now watching as she drags her horse-on-wheels around. She loves riding it and chasing our dog, Luna, but fortunately Luna is watching the chaos below from her perch on the stairs.

I love watching my child play. Her laugh is my favorite sound.

It's just increasingly difficult to accomplish much of anything during her waking hours. If I turn my back for five seconds, she's getting into mischief.

Despite this, I prefer my little chaos demon to the exhausted, miserable baby girl from earlier this week when she came down with COVID. I wouldn't have my little critter any other way. Truly. I just need to start using creativity to complete chores and desired tasks.

Which reminds me... I haven't changed out laundry. *facepalm*

And I probably ought to pin Emma down to wash the strawberry goo from her face from the Toaster Strudel I tried to delight her with. She wasn't impressed.

This morning, I wrote down some goals for my day. I've accomplished a couple of them. I wrote a little before Emma woke up and I worked briefly on rewrites for my novel "Sidekick" during her nap. I would have had more time, but alas, I got distracted by social media and adding items to my lists on Amazon.

I had an interesting goal today, and that was to post about myself on social media. I do post here and there, but mainly photos of Emma. Can't help it! She's adorable, and my world has been wrapped around her for over a year. But I wanted to post a little more about me. Because being Emma's mother is the best thing ever! But it also isn't the only thing.

You know, I remember shortly before having Emma, I had to make the decision on whether or not I would continue to work at my current job. I planned to come back part-time. When people asked and I told them my plan, the response I often would get was, "That's great! It'll give you a chance to do something for you."

By no means do I think that's crap. I really appreciate my workplace and that I was able to come back part-time so that I could be with my child more often. I have had a lot of opportunities and growth with my current job. I love the people I work with! And I appreciate the adult conversation and socialization.

But it's almost like my brain accepted that the thing I do "for me" is go to work, and I didn't really take advantage of doing anything else that I wanted, especially on the days I worked, because that's the thing I do "for me", right?

Slowly I'm trying to do more for me than show up to work. I want Emma to grow up knowing that her mother is a person with interests, and her mother is a person who cares for herself. I want her to know that love involves sacrifice, yes, but that love also means that I bring my best self to her every day. The only way I can bring my best self is if I'm taking care of my needs--or letting the people who love and support me know when I am struggling.

This isn't a cry for help. It's not a complaint and I'm not being hard on myself. I am just finally realizing that I haven't been doing enough to be the best version of myself.

I do need to get over some of the guilt I have, or the need to be a mommy martyr, or whatever it actually is that I experience. And I probably ought to utilize help more often during Emma's waking hours because the kid runs rampant, and things happen in the blink of an eye. Full disclosure: While I was writing a few paragraphs above, feeling that it was very therapeutic, Emma proceeded to get hurt. I about trashed this whole blog post. But sometimes accidents happen, and you can try your best to prevent them, but when your child is an obstinate, headstrong girl, you can only do so much.

This took a turn I was not expecting when I sat down to type. But I feel lighter, and that is something that writing has always done for me. It lifts my spirits. And yes, this took a lot longer than it ever normally would due to frequent breaks, dancing party, consoling a crying child, apple juice pouring, FINALLY CHANGING THE LAUNDRY, and promising Emma we can go outside as soon as Mommy finishes this... But it's done! I did something! I did something for me, and Emma is still in one piece!

And you know what? It feels pretty good.