Intruder Alert

I can imagine the most tragic, horrific things happening to my family. I used to just blame my creativity. Of course, someone who makes up stories as a hobby can visualize, in great detail, a car accident stealing her loved one’s life. She can clearly see someone wedging themselves through the dog door to get into the house for the sole purpose of hurting the people inside. She knows exactly what it would look like if her toddler cracked her head open after nosediving off the counter.

I’ve lived with these random scenes my whole life. I’ll be minding my own business when out of nowhere, I’m fighting a rising sense of panic that comes from visualizing something awful.

Right after having my oldest, I had no idea that the thoughts would become more severe during postpartum.

I didn’t know then that they had a name. I just knew they freaked me out and made me wonder if I was losing my mind.

Intrusive thoughts. I see it all the time now on social media. I’m not the only one plagued with them, and I’m not the only one who struggled with them postpartum. Sometimes it’s nice to have a name to go along with the experience, and it’s definitely helpful to know that I’m not alone.

Some have said that a plus side to having intrusive thoughts, especially surrounding our children, is that we have a defense ready in case an imagined scenario is actually a possibility. Maybe the curtains in our hotel room wouldn’t go up in flames from snagging on the heater under the window… But if they do, I moved the baby’s bed far enough away that she won’t get burned before we know there’s a fire. Yes, that was something I did on a trip once. Yes, even as I moved the pack-and-play closer to my side of the bed, I told myself I was being paranoid. No, the curtains never caught fire. But if they had...

I’m a little nervous for what my brain has in store for me after having my second child. Every pregnancy and postpartum period can be different, even in the same woman, so I just want to be aware of myself, of my limits, of my ability to function. I want to be prepared to say something if I feel that what I'm experiencing needs assessed so that I can be helped.

But I'm glad to know that if I am caring for my girls and am suddenly in a weird daydream of what it would be like to fight off a zombie horde to save them, I can blame intrusive thoughts. And probably The Last of Us.

Maybe I should stick with warm, fuzzy shows until the kids are older...