Happy Halloween

Listen here, you stupid, blinky little line that starts at the beginning of every blank page I see. Quit mocking me. Ohhh, Ashton doesn't know what to write. Look at her, sitting down to the computer with every intention to resurrect her passion. What snooze fest is she going to finally force out just for the sake of saying she wrote something today?

Shut up, Blinky Line. I don't like you. We're not friends.

This is only the third or fourth time I've tried jotting something down. The first couple of takes were this morning with my baby rolling around on the ground next to me. She gave me a sliver of patience while I typed, erased, typed again, and then finally she started to cry, grabbing my leg and pleading with her eyes for me to abandon the laptop and pick her up.

Of course, I picked her right up. I muttered something in frustration about how Mom isn't allowed to do things for herself, but let's be honest. Even if I had a couple of hours a day for me to spend on myself--on whatever I wanted to do--I'd still have nothing to show for it. My sweet baby is just an excuse of why my "success" is delayed. Why my books aren't being written. Why I feel like such an imposter whenever I tell anyone, "I'm a writer."

Now I'm on the couch while my husband entertains the girls, and I want to punch stupid Blinky Line in its flickering face.

Blinky Line tells truths and lies, and it's hard to know which is which.

But a current truth is that I'm bored. I'm bored of these posts. I tried to do routine with my posts. Once a month, report on goals, set goals.

Thrilling.

I need a change. I don't know what that looks like, but I'll be brainstorming.

While I'm fired up about Blinky Line, I also have to ask: Where did October go? One minute, I'm excited for the spooky season and can't wait to celebrate. The next, my birthday's come and gone, and Halloween is here.

I didn't read all the books I wanted to, I didn't watch the movies I hoped to, I didn't get more decorations, I didn't write spooky stories...

I'm tired of having a long list of "I didn't". It's exhausting, it's upsetting, and for some reason, listing it all out does the opposite of encouraging me to make a change to start getting to the things I want. You would think that if I regret yesterday that I would make today different. But it's a lot of the same thing, over and over.

I need a change. I feel stagnant. I feel repetitive. I feel like a flat soda.

There is so much to be excited for. I have brilliant, beautiful children. I have a wonderful relationship. I have family and friends who support and love me. I have lungs full of air, veins full of blood, a heart that beats...

But I need some fizzy pop in certain areas. I keep trying, but maybe I need to start putting more heart in it. It's just hard when you're tired or when you don't immediately succeed in your attempts, you know?

Now. My brain is full of thoughts, but my toddler wants to be full of candy. Off to get her ready for trick-or-treating.

Happy Halloween! Until next month.

I'll see you again, too, Blinky Line.