Fumblin', Stumblin' Mama

I love being a mother. Emma is our sunbeam. She is rolling over, smiling wide, giggling, and is so, so active! Poor thing wants to crawl, walk, run and gets frustrated by her limitations. But she's such a good baby.

There are still things I'm trying to figure out as a new mother. The main one is how to get other things done. I work part-time and have Tuesdays and Thursdays off during the week, plus Saturdays and Sundays. Somehow my bathrooms still need to be cleaned, the clothes I fold are usually from the week before, and we have dog hair all over (though my husband just vacuumed the other day).

I know no one expects perfection. The house isn't gross. It's just messier than I want it to be.

It's been a while since I've been able to read at home, unless you count picture books that I read to Emma when she's patient enough to listen. This doesn't bode well for the large amount of books I still have on my to-read shelf. Alas. I thought it'd be easier to make a large dent in my stack, but this won't be the last time I'm wrong.

I have gotten back to writing (a little). There's a young reader's book I've started writing in one of my journals. I'm not very far into it, but I'm loving it so far. On top of that, I have been reading through a journal I started in high school. While I cringe through most of it, I've been typing the journal up to reprint it with present-day me doing a commentary through it. I thought it'd be interesting to show how I've changed, what opinions are different, or what clarity I've received over the years. I started this journal when I was seventeen, and I'll be twenty-nine in October. That's quite a bit of time to grow.

Ugh, I'm twenty-nine in October. It's not that that's an old age. It's more like I can't believe I'm already twenty-nine. Life is going by like a blur. My daughter's going to be four months old this month. She'll be one before I know it.

And I wonder if I'll ever get a hang of my schedule. Will I learn how to set time aside to work on writing the way I wish I could? Will I learn how to prioritize with family, religion, work, socialization, and goals/dreams? I figure other people have done okay, so I will, too, but I can't help but feel like I'm a fumblin', stumblin' mama. My hair's pulled back most of the time, I'm lucky if I change out of pajamas the days I have off, I have spent way more time in front of the TV and my phone than I'd like to while my daughter naps in my arms (when I want her to sleep longer than twenty minutes) or while she watches with me (despite experts saying that screen time is bad for infants). Suddenly it's dinner time, and oh, let's not even think about how much I hate getting a menu together that we shop for and cook.

Also I used to only drink soda as an occasional treat. Now I'm living off Dr. Pepper, my caffeine shot of choice.

Let's not even talk about the lack of exercise (which is probably why caffeine is my best friend now).

And yet... And yet with my struggling, that little girl is a dream come true. Loving her is a powerful thing. She's our world. My husband and I were blessed with our Emma Rose, our little firecracker.

One day at a time, Ashton. My baby is safe, healthy, and loved dearly. I will figure out the rest of it as long as I keep trying. I won't remember having a shiny, spotless bathroom, and I won't remember how long it took me to get into shape. I won't remember that I burned through all the available seasons of Call the Midwife on Netflix. In fact, I won't remember the breakdowns I had in the shower because it's time for bed, I work the next day, and our sink is full of dirty dishes.

I'll remember Emma's giggling as I sing about Crinkles the Giraffe and Wrinkles the Elephant. I'll remember her loving when I play music and dance around with her. I'll remember the relief I felt when Erik patted the couch and tickled my back when I sat next to him, or how grateful I was when I saw the bottles drying because he washed them during his lunch break.

There are so many wonderful things about life, about marriage, about motherhood. If I just remove the pressure and stress, I am free to enjoy so much. And then I realize I'm not really fumblin', stumblin'. I'm doing a great job. I have a great partner in this adventure. And we have a great kid.